In October of 2009 we were shocked to learn that we were expecting triplet boys. The news brought the eventuality of bedrest, NICU, and the like. In spite of all the risks associated with a multiple pregnancy, we never even considered the possibility of a loss. We were in good hands, we were being watched carefully, and there was no reason to believe that something would go wrong. Until it did.
At 32 weeks and 5 days, I went in for a routine check, and we were given the devastating news that Baby B’s heart had stop beating. In an instant our life changed. We went from anticipating the arrival of three beautiful boys, to mourning the loss of one, and praying like mad for the other two.
Later that same day, all three boys had to be delivered. It was the most bittersweet moment of our lives. Hearing Adler and Cameron cry and seeing their tiny pink bodies was a joy, but feeling Boe being pulled from my body silent and still was heartbreaking. So many emotions and thoughts ran through my mind. How could the other two be here, be alive, and not Boe? How could we have made it this far for this to be the result?
In the days that followed, we were so fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends-people who were there for us in our darkest days. We were also fortunate to be provided with amazing resources to aid in the grieving process. How would we parent the beautiful daughter we already had at home? How would we parent Boe’s surviving brothers while mourning his death? How would we parent the unexpected child who came 18 months after Boe left us? These resources helped. The Balancing Life and Loss: Parenting After Loss Support Group, offered by Forever Footprints, was a huge part of our grief journey. I found comfort sitting with other women who, different as their stories and journeys may be, were right there with me. We were all there for each other, to raise each other up and to laugh, cry, and speak our children’s names aloud so they knew their short lives mattered.
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By: Kim Pooler
We were so excited to be welcoming a third child into the world. I went to my first doctor appointment and my husband stayed home with our twins. We were full of joy and excitement. The joy and excitement faded with the first ultrasound. The doctor explained that the sack was not perfectly formed and had many dents. She told me because of this it is very unlikely the pregnancy would progress as it is supposed to and it just did not look good. She told me to prep for a miscarriage.
I sat in my car and cried and called my husband. I then proceeded to church to pray for our little one. While getting in my car to go home after praying my husband called. He had just called 911. My son had just had his first seizure. (He was later diagnosed with epilepsy.) I was a mess. I called my parents to pick me up in the church parking lot. We meet my husband, son, and daughter at the hospital.
A few days later I had another appointment for my peace of mind. The sack miraculously looked better. The doctor congratulated me on the pregnancy. Our hopes and joy were back.
Next appointment our baby was gone. No heartbeat was found. I was numb. The blessing was I am a teacher and the miscarriage happened during the summer. Going back in August was difficult. I would sit in my class during recess and lunch and cry. I distanced myself from pretty much everyone.
Then in December 2014 I went for a preconception appointment to see if was okay to try again. In March 2015 we found out we were expecting. First appointment was very different and hopeful this time. Everything looked good.
On a Friday afternoon, I went for my second appointment and they could detect no heartbeat. They sent me down to radiology for a more in-department sonogram just to make sure. I had to wait hours to get fit in for a STAT sonogram and sat in the waiting room crying and trying not to cry for hours. They finally got me in, and of course the tech could not tell me anything. I knew this already. She called up OBGYN and they left 10 minuntes early on Friday. I was promised by the receptionist that a doctor would call me Saturday morning. Finally, Saturday at noon I called. The nurse could not get into my files. She told me best bet go to urgent care but it was flu season so be prepared to wait. I was not feeling good and did not feel like sitting for hours to hear, “I am sorry.” I knew from my past miscarriage that 99% that the baby had passed. So I called later. This nurse arranged for a doctor to call me the next day. They were out of same day phone appointments. So nine o’clock Sunday I sat with cell phone in hand and waited. I could not eat and felt lost and helpless. 9:30 I get the call. To hear the words I was expecting. No heartbeat was detected and at nine weeks their should be a heartbeat. No activity was detected. She then said but sometimes at nine weeks maybe just maybe heartbeat is not strong enough to be dectected. I interrupted because I saw the heartbeat on first sonogram and the doctor remarked it was strong. Then she said something I was not expecting. A smaller sack was observed measuring six weeks. Also no heartbeat. No activity. First sonogram only one. She told me to keep my Monday appointment I had since I was high risk. I went to work on Monday. At 3:30 I had a final sonogram face-to-face with my doctor, who told me my twins had passed. One nine weeks, one six weeks. I opted for the medication to complete the miscarriage. I started bleeding before I took the medication, but I still took it. My daughter, who had started talking to the baby, stopped that night. My daughter was three, and I think she knew something was wrong. Her twin brother makes me cry because he loves babies, and I think they would be excellent big brothers and sisters. But I do realize I am blessed to be a mother to all of my children. I love my twins and my angel and twin Angels.
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My story of Pregnancy and Infant Loss
August 2010 we found out we were expecting. We were so excited yet nervous. Ten months prior we lost our baby London at 16 weeks. It was considered a “Missed Miscarriage.” Her heart simply stopped beating. When we went into our first ultrasound we were shocked to see not one but two little heart beats. We were having twins! They were identical and shared a placenta. Everything seemed to go well. Weeks were flying by, and we were planning our lives to soon welcome two baby boys. We picked their names: Wyatt Ward Hidy and Hunter Allen Hidy. On Friday, December 17th, we went in for our 24 week check up. Their heart beats were great, but I complained of some mild back pain and what seemed like me peeing myself a little from time to time. It was written off that it was from carrying two and it would most like get worse when I got bigger. Friday night was a long night, my lower back was killing me, and I couldn’t get comfortable. Saturday morning we decided to go to labor and delivery to get checked out. Driving there that morning I had no idea our world was about to change forever.
As we checked into the L&D floor they quickly checked my cervix and tested to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid. As they were checking the babies via ultrasound the nurse came in and told us we were indeed leaking fluid and I would be admitted to hospital bedrest until the babies were born. It was a complete blur. I was terrified, willing to do anything possible to keep them safe. The rest of the day was filled with tests, with laying with my feet above my head, and lots of praying. Sunday came and so did the contractions. I labored mostly in my back and it was continuous pain. My husband and parents tried to do there best to get me comfortable for the night. By midnight on December 20 my contractions were minutes apart, as I tried to sit up from my bed my water fully broke. Seconds later Wyatt was born at 12:20am. He was perfect. My husband cut his cord and the nurses wrapped him up and told me to keep him warm because it wouldn’t last. He fought so hard but minutes later took his last breath in my arms. I was bleeding heavy and Hunter was not in the right position to deliver naturally. I was wheeled into the operating room were Hunter was born at 1:30am and pasted away before I woke up. I remember waking up to a room full of family, and holding my sweet boys in my arms, I got to love and kiss on them. My family got to meet them, hold them, take pictures and say goodbye.
A few hours past and I began to hemorrhage. In the early hours of the morning a “code white” was called and I was prepped for emergency surgery, to either try and get the bleeding to stop or do a full hysterectomy. I was numb, cold, and going in and out of consciousness. It all felt like a dream. The surgery worked and my doctor was able to save my uterus with a balloon device to hold it stable. I had to receive four bags of blood, and I remained in the hospital for a few days and was released on Christmas Eve. Days prior, I arrived at the hospital with two babies but left with empty arms and a broken heart.
Losing Wyatt and Hunter was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but they have made me the person I am today. They are my best memory. I share our story to help other parents walking this heartbreaking path of pregnancy and infant loss. It’s been almost five years since I held my babies in my arms. God healed the wound but left the scar. What gives me peace is knowing all they knew was love. The took their last breath in my arms and opened their eyes to the face of Jesus.
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I had dreamed of writing my birth story through my whole pregnancy, I never dreamed that it would be like this. This blog is to document our journey through this tragedy and into the rest of our lives. Peyton changed the course of our lives forever, so I couldn’t see another way to start it than with the story of his birth.
I woke up on Monday, October 24th and I knew something wasn’t right- but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I knew I hadn’t really felt him move in my sleep. It was the first day I was home alone on bed rest and Mark had gone back to work, so I told myself I was being paranoid. I tried to continue my day, but I was always waiting for a kick. I would poke him or lie on my side, and when I started to get really worried I took a bath- he always kicked in the bath. When I saw my reflection in the mirror I knew I looked different, from that moment on I was really hiding from a horrible fear. I wasn’t swollen looking anymore- I looked back to normal but with a huge belly. My ring that hadn’t fit on my finger in 3 weeks fit me. I still tried the bath, not willing to admit that I knew deep down it wouldn’t work. After the bath I went on the couch, lied down and closed my eyes, I thought if I devoted all my attention to him he would move. When I was on the couch my mom came over to eat lunch with me but I couldn’t eat much. Finally I told her that I was scared and I started to cry. I texted my doctor and he told me to drink juice and do a kick count, then go the hospital if I still felt I should, just so I would “feel better.”
I drank the juice, but I could only lay down for an hour, I knew we needed to go. In my heart I already knew, but the power of denial kept me from really believing, so I told Mark where we were going, but was convinced I would hear his heartbeat and then go home. The nurse couldn’t find it, I really started to get upset so Mom called Mark and told him to come. My mom sat next to me while my doctor looked at the ultrasound, until he said “Miss Allison, I’m not seeing anything”- I was hysterical. I don’t know how many minutes passed before Mark came in and I grabbed him and we just sobbed. Everybody left the room. I don’t know how long we cried on the hospital bed, but eventually we had to talk to the doctor about delivering our baby. How could you ask me to do that? I was so scared I couldn’t do it. That evening around 6 they gave me the first dose of the induction medicine, and again every 4 hours. We waited just over 24 hours, trying to sleep, just crying in each other’s arms.
Finally, after 24 hours my doctor wanted to break my water and give me a different kind of induction medicine. I was so upset when he broke my water, I didn’t want Peyton to be born this way, part of me was scared he was still alive and we would hurt him. After he broke my water the contractions started to hurt a lot more. I told them I wanted the epidural. The epidural made me really sick and it broke my heart, even though I knew he was gone this wasn’t the delivery I wanted for my baby. After I had it it was only 2 hours before I felt a lot of pressure and told the nurse, it was time to push. Mark started to cry, but I was too scared and too numb. The nurses held up my legs and Mark was holding my hand, as soon as I started to push I started to cry.
I pushed for about 20 minutes, at 10:30pm on October 25th Peyton Mark was born, he weighed 3 lbs 13 oz. They put him on my chest and he was absolutely perfect. I’ve never felt so in love and so heartbroken at the same time. Mark and I couldn’t believe how beautiful he was, I would have given anything in the world to hear him cry. His lips were small and red- they looked like mine. He had a tiny perfect little nose and his eyes were closed and a little puffy. We pulled back his hat and he had hair, not a ton, but a little. I held his little hand and saw his tiny little finger nails. I pulled back the towel and looked at his body, all so perfect looking, it didn’t make sense.
Mark held him and my heart ached, he looked like such a natural father holding his son, I had waited so long to see him hold his child. The time we spent with Peyton was the hardest time in my life, knowing we couldn’t keep him with us, but I wouldn’t give back one second of it. I held him again after Mark and I just squeezed him to my chest- I just wanted my lifetime with him.
I can only hope that he felt our love for him, that he never felt alone. I love you so very much Peyton, and you will always be in our hearts.
If you would like to share your birth story, email firstname.lastname@example.org