In 2011 and 2013, I carried joyful babies to term and delivered them successfully. I was naive to the world of challenges and loss. I was nothing but confident when I got pregnant again. So confident, that it was not a big deal to go to the doctor alone. The day I went for my NT scan will be a day I will never forget. There I sat on the table with the biggest monitor in front of me- profile so clear and I did not see the pulsating heartbeat where I knew it needed to be. Up until this point, the only grief I knew was the death of my soul mate, my Bubbie, grandmother who passed at 102 years old. This was completely derailing. There were no resources in New York City at the time that were offered to me. My own mother told me I wasn’t the first and won’t be the last. The doctor had nothing to offer me, it’s common, she said. I spent days searching for a life ring. I did find an organization in Boston and was able to connect with a beautiful soul in NY and through journaling and ritual immersion in water, I knew I did not have to forget my baby, but it was safe to go forward, chin up. I had two losses after this and then got pregnant with my rainbow baby, Averie.
The longest pregnancy of my life, absent of joy and sharing. Enter paranoia, worry, anxiety. Following Averie, there were 3 losses, my latest in September of 2019 at 16 weeks. The lack of a supportive extended family threw me for a loop this time. I just moved on and went back to my routine.
Fast forward, my 45th birthday is coming up so I decided to set up a charity fundraiser through Facebook and searched their database for foundations supporting women with pregnancy and infant loss. I landed on Forever Footprints- practically in my backyard, Divine Intervention. Up went the fundraiser and an introduction to their support groups. In all this time I have never attended something like this.
I was blown away. I never would have thought there was a correlation between my rigidity and lack of patience at times and my unresolved grief. Such an a-ha moment to no longer feel the lack of a support system and isolation, to be able to hear others stories, identify with the women, and safely share pain without judgment. I could start to feel the walls coming down for the first time. The days following brought a new sense of calm and softness. There is more mindfulness for gratitude and feeling a bit more balanced.I just made the 9th week mark of my current rainbow baby. I am present, joyful, and sharing because there is no point in living in my anxieties. I do hope to make it to the finish line- I have surrendered and am grateful to Forever Footprints for allowing me the opportunity to feel that I have a community that can identify with me and share in my joy and support me in my pain.
The Hagege Family
