I had no idea what to do. I was a first-time mom and a first-time grieving mom at the same time. I was confused, overwhelmed, and devastated. Honestly, the list can go on about everything I was feeling, but this blog would go on forever like my last one, lol. I knew every emotion possible and felt so incredibly numb at the same time, like I was separated from my being and experienced everything from a distance. Every day seemed like an eternity. The energy it took to wake up, eat, work, and make dinner was thoroughly exhausting. For the longest time I was depleted, empty, and drug myself through the motions of life.
My grieving didn’t stop there. Everything I experienced was affected by my situation. Being pregnant with a terminally diagnosed baby compelled me to avoid countless things. I didn’t look at new moms holding their babies because it made me extremely jealous. I didn’t laugh as much. I didn’t smile like I used to. I couldn’t go to family events, but when I forced myself to go, I broke down weeping in the car.
Why am I telling you this? I let myself feel it all. I didn’t push my grief aside, avoid it, or deny it. I was present and faced my reality and embraced it. As painful as it was, I’m glad I was present in my circumstance. I’m glad I shed tears, wept, and mourned. It has helped me live with my pain, rather than just pushing through it and “getting over it,” because I know a measure of my grief will never end.
I am learning to live with pain. I am adjusting myself to my new life and the new me. But this takes time. Grief is not linear. There is no “start” or “stop.” Grieving for my child is an experience that changed every fiber in my body, soul, and mind. Some things became less important and other things became more important. I gained perspective, and from there, hope was born. It took a while, but now I am excited about the future. Whatever it may be. Even if there aren’t baby’s in my future…yes even then, I am content with where this journey took me. I regret nothing.
I hope that you feel your grief, that you allow those bottled up tears to flow. It’s painful, overwhelming, lonely, and frightening. But it’s where you are right now. Take care of your grief; take care of yourself first. Because from your grief, you will gain a perspective and a hope like never before.
Kaitlin McLaughlin lives in Southern California with her husband Ryan. They welcomed their daughter Wendy into the world on November 12, 2017 but was born still due to her fatal condition. When Kaitlin was 15 weeks pregnant, doctors diagnosed Wendy with Anencephaly, a rare neural tube defect. From then on, they lived with the grief, pain, and joy of becoming parents to an angel. Since then, Kaitlin grew a passion for reaching out to others who have experienced newborn loss. She is the creator and writer for www.wendyforever.com hoping to provide support to other bereaved parents. She also works at a non-profit that provides an education and job training program for young adults. Ryan and Kaitlin love doing everything together, including spending time with their one year old Golden Retriever Leona.