Hello there! I’m Holly Waterfall, and I write for the blog Happy Food Healthy Life, where I normally share food, eating disorder, positive body image, and health related issues. I am a recovered eating disorder sufferer, and I strive to share my experiences, thoughts, and inspiration with others who may be struggling. Lately, I have kind of veered from the norm and have been writing about a topic that has been effecting me personally. There have been a lot of pregnancy/IVF/Loss topics come up in my life that I have shared with my readers, and when I was contacted by OC Walk To Remember to share my story of loss and hope, I thought that I must get my feelings out. You see, I lost my baby only a couple weeks ago, and the emotions are still so raw.

My wife, Tiffani and I have gone through quite a roller coaster to get to where we are today. It hasn’t been a fun one, to say the least. Here is how we started and where we are now.

Back at the beginning of this year of 2013, Tiffani and I decided that we wanted to expand our family. I have a 7 year old son from a previous relationship, but this was something new that my wife and I wanted and still do to bond over and experience together. And besides, Tiff wanted to have a little one that was directly related to her. The thing is, she didn’t want to be pregnant. Good thing I have no problems being pregnant! So, we decided to do something that is so awesome and the best of both worlds for a lesbian couple. After months of preparing emotionally, physically, and financially, we went through a reciprocal IVF cycle in July 2013. We harvested 14 of Tiff’s eggs, used an anonymous donor (only 6 fertilized successfully), and were able to transfer the best looking little guy to me on July 26th. 10 days of waiting for that first blood test was brutal, but we made it through.

It was successful! We beat the odds and actually ended up pregnant! My HCG levels were low, but they were still there, no doubt. And they continued to rise after each blood draw. The only problem was that they weren’t rising fast enough.

We had finally gotten to the point where we should be able to see a heartbeat. I was 7 weeks pregnant on August 23rd. No heartbeat. And our little fetus was only measuring at 5 weeks and 6 days. About a week behind. But our nurse practitioner told us to stay “cautiously optimistic.” Maybe it was just a late implanter. We would go in a few days later to check for any growth. So there we were, the following week.

Tuesday, August 27th, the day that changed who I am today. The day that is was confirmed. There was no growth. We were all of a sudden thrown into a category of parents who have lost their babies. A group of people who have felt a pain that could never be described by anyone who’s not in it. Whether my baby was full term or just a few days old, I was in love with our little one. We were ecstatic for our lives with him or her. And now we are just grieving. Myself, more than Tiff.  It’s just hard to find comfort sometimes. My body feels so empty. That was my first thought when I woke up after my D&C. Emptiness. I bawled. My heart is broken. Every day is slightly easier. Today, I’ve only cried a few tears. I am no longer in hysterics. If only I could turn my mind off and sleep at night.
I wish I was in a place where I could offer hope and comfort, but with this so raw still, all I can offer is friendship and understanding. I hope to gain strength from some of you!

From Happy Food Healthy Life-  Use your creativity as one way to heal by writing your baby/babies name and inspiring words. Check it out below:

Earlier in the week, I posted my Chocolate Covered Strawberry Cupcakes to celebrate my Blogaversary. Some of the cupcakes had some hand-written words on top of them for embellishment. A couple people asked me how to create something like this, so I figured I’d create a short tutorial. It’s really so simple and adds a stunning effect, in my opinion.

So let’s get started. First, you are going to melt a small ziploc bag of candy melts. These are best because they will keep their form as well as harden quickly and easily, where as some chocolates may not have those same properties. With the amount of chocolate shown below, I was able to make about 6 words and 3 numbers, so you can use your judgment from there. And of course, you could use any color you like, as Wilton brand candy melts come in a large variety of colors.

You’ll put your chocolates in a ziploc bag, but you won’t seal it up all the way, otherwise you’ll have a chocolate explosion inside your microwave. Melt for 10 seconds at a time, smooshing the bag into between, until the chocolate is completely melted with no lumps.

At this point, of course, after you seal up the bay, you could cut a very small hole in your ziploc bag and start piping from there, but I feel as though I have more control when I use a piping bag with a small tip on it. The great thing is that with the baggie, you aren’t going to have much of a mess to clean up inside your piping bag.

If you’re using the piping bag method, you’ll drop your inside coupler into the bag (which I obviously forgot to do until AFTER I had taken the following picture…), after which you’ll drop the Ziploc bag down into. At this point, you’ll snip off a small corner of the bag, top with your small piping tip, and secure with the top of the coupler.

Now for the fun part. In a word document, you will type out all the words you want to display on your cupcakes. Or maybe it’s all the same word. Either way, you’re going to want to type out as many words as you’re going to need. The fun part is that you get to choose whatever font you want to use. Just a word of advice though. You will want to find a font that’s letters are all connected so everything stays together while on the cupcake.

Print this page of words out, and place it on a cookie sheet (one that will be able to fit in your freezer). On top of the paper, place a piece of wax paper. At this point, you can start tracing your words with chocolate. It’s super simple. Keep a steady hand and a steady squeeze on your piping bag, and just move slow.

Once all of your words are traced out, place the cookie sheet in the freezer for an hour so. At this point, your words should come right off the wax paper so you can place them right onto your cupcakes. If they are giving you a hard time, try to use tweezers or something besides your fingers. If you’re going to be touching the chocolate for an extending amount of time, you will probably melt your hard work! It’s fine to use your fingers, but only if you’re working quickly.

Simply place the word onto the cupcake, step back and enjoy!

Think of all the fun creations you could make with chocolate. For my sister’s birthday over the weekend, I piped her age out along with a couple of swirls for embellishments.

I hope you enjoyed this little tutorial. It was a lot of fun to make for you… now go get creative!!