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As we walk to remember

As we walk to remember

Three years ago, I attended my first Walk to Remember. It had only been two months since I had said goodbye to my infant son, Ethan, and my grief felt so deep, so raw, and so fresh. The previous months leading up to that day had been incredibly painful and isolating in ways I couldn’t quite put into words. When a friend told me about the Walk to Remember, I felt nervous yet excited all at once–I had no idea what to expect, but something inside of me longed to connect with people who understood. I longed to celebrate my little boy and to simply say his name to someone…anyone who would listen. I am so grateful I put my fears aside that day. From the moment I checked in, I felt seen and understood. My walls crumbled down with each person I spoke to. As each baby’s name was spoken and each rose was passed out, I felt less and less alone. While it didn’t take away the grief of losing my son, stepping into this community of like-minded people softened the jagged edges of grief in ways I never expected. I received an indescribable gift on that day—the gift of hearing Ethan’s name, the gift of honoring him, the gift of being surrounded by people who didn’t try to brush him aside or just tell me to “think positive”. I received the gift of meeting other parents and hearing about their babies–the simple gift of “me too”. This event and the community that I’ve found in it have been a comfort to me over the years, as...

Walking To Remember

  On September 9th, 2013 my husband and I walked into the Hospital Emergency Room in California not really knowing what we were walking in to. All we knew was that I needed to be checked by a doctor. The doctor we initially met gave us two goals: one to make sure I was still pregnant and the second goal was to get to 40 weeks. He held his hopes that night a little bit higher than I did. See for me this was my 5th pregnancy and each night as I tucked my two sweet little girls into bed, I was reminded that only two had made it. So that night as I stood next to my husband in the front of the emergency waiting room I heard the words that changed the course of the 24 hours. I had what they thought was a right ectopic pregnancy. This would have been my second ectopic pregnancy and this one would have ended all natural ways of conceiving. What I didn’t know until after the surgery almost 6 hours later was that our sweet baby was stuck on the cusp of what was left of my left tube. It’s not something that is typically seen in non-IVF conception, but it happened and it changed our next 12 months. See, due to the surgery, I had to wait 1 year to allow physical healing. I expected during the next six weeks to go through the grief cycle and I expected myself to move forward quickly, but it didn’t happen. Somewhere in the midst of hearing about the damage done physically,...