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This is your day too

This is your day too

Mother’s Day changes when you’ve lost a baby. A day that was once filled with so much celebration and hope has been shadowed with grief, pain, and perhaps feelings of isolation. It’s not that you dislike the holiday or all that it signifies–it’s simply that someone very special is missing and motherhood has suddenly taken on a whole new meaning. Brave mama, please hear me when I say this. Though it may not always seem true, this is your day too. Whether the sentimental greeting cards and commercials featuring smiling women and cooing babies fill your heart with hope, despair, or a combination of both, this day is for you. To the mamas who have said goodbye to a baby of any age or gestation: You are an incredible mother. You have been handed the sacred and immensely extraordinary task of mothering a child you can no longer hold. You are among the those who have been chosen to experience a love stronger than death. You have the privilege of having known someone so small, yet so important. You keep moving forward day by day, all the while keeping your baby’s memory and legacy alive. Even when no one says your baby’s name, this is your day too. To the mamas whose arms feel empty: you matter. While the world may not see your motherhood, I do. I see the way motherhood has seeped into every corner of your heart and mind. While your home or the backseat of your vehicle may not show any evidence of children, I see the ways your baby has changed every part of...

Walking To Remember

  On September 9th, 2013 my husband and I walked into the Hospital Emergency Room in California not really knowing what we were walking in to. All we knew was that I needed to be checked by a doctor. The doctor we initially met gave us two goals: one to make sure I was still pregnant and the second goal was to get to 40 weeks. He held his hopes that night a little bit higher than I did. See for me this was my 5th pregnancy and each night as I tucked my two sweet little girls into bed, I was reminded that only two had made it. So that night as I stood next to my husband in the front of the emergency waiting room I heard the words that changed the course of the 24 hours. I had what they thought was a right ectopic pregnancy. This would have been my second ectopic pregnancy and this one would have ended all natural ways of conceiving. What I didn’t know until after the surgery almost 6 hours later was that our sweet baby was stuck on the cusp of what was left of my left tube. It’s not something that is typically seen in non-IVF conception, but it happened and it changed our next 12 months. See, due to the surgery, I had to wait 1 year to allow physical healing. I expected during the next six weeks to go through the grief cycle and I expected myself to move forward quickly, but it didn’t happen. Somewhere in the midst of hearing about the damage done physically,...