For Mothers and Fathers, Parent Stories, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness
When I suffered my first miscarriage at 8 weeks gestation, I did not know what to think, I did not know where to turn. So many thoughts rushed through my head… Why did this happen?…How did this happen?…What did I do wrong?…Is there a problem?…How can I fix the problem? I was so focused on what was wrong that I did not even give myself the chance to grieve the loss of my baby. My doctor told me it was a “blessing in disguise.” There was obviously “something wrong” with the baby and “nature was taking its course” in terminating the pregnancy. I had to suffer the painful experience of returning all the maternity clothes I had just bought.
I was thrilled when I learned I was pregnant again, just 7 months later. I thought, a miscarriage could not possibly happen again. I had a first ultrasound. The ultrasound tech said nothing. The silence was palpable. I never thought the sound of silence could be so painful. I knew what was going on, and yet I said nothing. When I received a phone call from my doctor, who asked me to come into the office as soon as possible, I knew what was coming. I again had to suffer the painful experience of returning all the maternity clothes I had just repurchased.
So what should you say to someone that has suffered a miscarriage? Please do not say it is a blessing in disguise. Please do not say there was probably something wrong with the baby. Please do not say that it is simply nature taking its course. Please do not say that you will forget all this when you have your baby. Please do not remind me that I am still young enough to get pregnant again. Although all these thoughts are well-intentioned, they are fraught with an underlying current that this is something I simply need to get over. I will never “get over” having my miscarriages.
All you need to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage is “I am sorry for your loss.” It is as simple as that. It is exactly what the women at the clothing store said to me when I returned my maternity clothes.
Andrea Garcia-Miller is a Senior Attorney at Green & Hall, APC. She first became aware of Forever Footprints after she suffered two miscarriages in a one-year period back in 2011 and became a board member in 2015. She hopes to raise more awareness and support for those who have suffered miscarriage and pregnancy loss.
Birth Stories
By: Kim Pooler
We were so excited to be welcoming a third child into the world. I went to my first doctor appointment and my husband stayed home with our twins. We were full of joy and excitement. The joy and excitement faded with the first ultrasound. The doctor explained that the sack was not perfectly formed and had many dents. She told me because of this it is very unlikely the pregnancy would progress as it is supposed to and it just did not look good. She told me to prep for a miscarriage.
I sat in my car and cried and called my husband. I then proceeded to church to pray for our little one. While getting in my car to go home after praying my husband called. He had just called 911. My son had just had his first seizure. (He was later diagnosed with epilepsy.) I was a mess. I called my parents to pick me up in the church parking lot. We meet my husband, son, and daughter at the hospital.
A few days later I had another appointment for my peace of mind. The sack miraculously looked better. The doctor congratulated me on the pregnancy. Our hopes and joy were back.
Next appointment our baby was gone. No heartbeat was found. I was numb. The blessing was I am a teacher and the miscarriage happened during the summer. Going back in August was difficult. I would sit in my class during recess and lunch and cry. I distanced myself from pretty much everyone.
Then in December 2014 I went for a preconception appointment to see if was okay to try again. In March 2015 we found out we were expecting. First appointment was very different and hopeful this time. Everything looked good.
On a Friday afternoon, I went for my second appointment and they could detect no heartbeat. They sent me down to radiology for a more in-department sonogram just to make sure. I had to wait hours to get fit in for a STAT sonogram and sat in the waiting room crying and trying not to cry for hours. They finally got me in, and of course the tech could not tell me anything. I knew this already. She called up OBGYN and they left 10 minuntes early on Friday. I was promised by the receptionist that a doctor would call me Saturday morning. Finally, Saturday at noon I called. The nurse could not get into my files. She told me best bet go to urgent care but it was flu season so be prepared to wait. I was not feeling good and did not feel like sitting for hours to hear, “I am sorry.” I knew from my past miscarriage that 99% that the baby had passed. So I called later. This nurse arranged for a doctor to call me the next day. They were out of same day phone appointments. So nine o’clock Sunday I sat with cell phone in hand and waited. I could not eat and felt lost and helpless. 9:30 I get the call. To hear the words I was expecting. No heartbeat was detected and at nine weeks their should be a heartbeat. No activity was detected. She then said but sometimes at nine weeks maybe just maybe heartbeat is not strong enough to be dectected. I interrupted because I saw the heartbeat on first sonogram and the doctor remarked it was strong. Then she said something I was not expecting. A smaller sack was observed measuring six weeks. Also no heartbeat. No activity. First sonogram only one. She told me to keep my Monday appointment I had since I was high risk. I went to work on Monday. At 3:30 I had a final sonogram face-to-face with my doctor, who told me my twins had passed. One nine weeks, one six weeks. I opted for the medication to complete the miscarriage. I started bleeding before I took the medication, but I still took it. My daughter, who had started talking to the baby, stopped that night. My daughter was three, and I think she knew something was wrong. Her twin brother makes me cry because he loves babies, and I think they would be excellent big brothers and sisters. But I do realize I am blessed to be a mother to all of my children. I love my twins and my angel and twin Angels.
I am a teacher and a mother of twin four year olds. And Angel mom to three Angels.
If you would like to share your story, email us at kvonrotz@foreverfootprints.org
