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The Hagege Family

In 2011 and 2013,  I carried joyful babies to term and delivered them successfully.  I was naive to the world of challenges and loss.   I was nothing but confident when I got pregnant again.  So confident, that it was not a big deal to go to the doctor alone.  The day I went for my NT scan will be a day I will never forget.  There I sat on the table with the biggest monitor in front of me-  profile so clear and I did not see the pulsating heartbeat where I knew it needed to be.  Up until this point, the only grief I knew was the death of my soul mate, my Bubbie, grandmother who passed at 102 years old.  This was completely derailing.  There were no resources in New York City at the time that were offered to me.  My own mother told me I wasn’t the first and won’t be the last.  The doctor had nothing to offer me, it’s common, she said.  I spent days searching for a life ring.  I did find an organization in Boston and was able to connect with a beautiful soul in NY and through journaling and ritual immersion in water, I knew I did not have to forget my baby,  but it was safe to go forward, chin up. I had two losses after this and then got pregnant with my rainbow baby, Averie. The longest pregnancy of my life, absent of joy and sharing.  Enter paranoia, worry, anxiety.   Following Averie, there were 3 losses, my latest in September of 2019 at 16 weeks.  The lack of a supportive extended family threw...